I’m Planning a Getaway

I’m planning on backpacking through some distant part of the world after graduation.

I need find hope-

find something to restore my belief that I belong

                                                                      here, somewhere.

To find myself by losing myself.

incan trail

image via Flickr cc fortherock

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Differentiating Giving Up and Letting Go

Another day, another premature quarter-life crisis (see previous post). I seriously need to delineate what I want in life vs. what my peers desire.

The majority of my friends are now flocking to professional med/dental/pharm schools, while I’m still here contemplating my life in the future.

I admit, it makes me feel kind of lame and tail-in-between-legs-shit-ashamed that I don’t know where I’m going. This sea of “???????” is particularly grating against my mild type A personality. Further, all of this uncertainty just BAFFLES me because I’ve been planning out my future since the age of 12, and right now, it just seems like I’ve marked that Box of Plans with a big F&CK YOU and then TNT’d the contents.

…..

Sometimes it creeps up on me.

The question that I hate to ask myself: If I just stuck through with it, bit the bullet, would I have gotten into med school? And some days, I think I would. I believe if I had stuck to the rat race, I have the competency to be an M.D….And then my mind wanders to a place where I fantasize about a future of stability and security.

On the other hand, another part of me says this is not what I want. Sure, I could be a Dr of dermatology or cardiology or family medicine, and earn 400k a year, and go home each day to see the face of my… dog (lol, let’s be real #2decadesofsinglegirlsyndrome&counting, hollaaaa!). Back to the point, there’s something about that serene picture that just doesn’t sit right with me…Is it because I’ve just gotten too used to the instability of my life, so I don’t know, and don’t think I deserve any better?

I DON’T KNOW!

This feeling is so squeamishly uncomfortable, yet I also cringe at the thought of being tied down too soon.

So now, did I “give up” on the med school “dream” or did I let go?

Song of the Day (Ambien for my nerves): I’m God – Clams Casino

CRISIS OF A PENDING GRADUATE

So without fail, course selection for my final year of undergrad has ushered me into a state of panic. My brain has short circuited and random thoughts, ideas and anxiety have exploded into incoherent fragments that are now swirling around in my head, sandwiched between a bunch of “!!!!!!!!”. I cannot deal.

The game of living life the best I can feels so hard. Not to mention, trying to weigh out the consequences of my decisions today is driving me insane.

I feel like I have so many things that I want to do, but I don’t know how to negotiate a middle ground. At the same time, I feel the weight of society straddled upon my shoulder holding a big fat ticking timepiece next to my ear that’s crying aloud the crumbling days of my precious 20s. And here I am, fumbling among the plains, trying my best to avoid the landmines of life.

——————————–

For my final year, I technically have a buffet of courses that I can choose from. Not only that, as an upper year, I have the perk of advanced course selection before the hoards of student sharks at my university have picked apart the last of any ‘bird courses’ left.

And believe me, I am soo tempted to choose to breeze through my final year without going through multiple mental break downs, but ironically, I’m already cracking up now, worried silly about the consequences of not overloading myself on a bunch of science-dense, ass-whipping courses.

Will this hurt my chances of getting into grad school? Am I falling behind? Will I lose out on certain academic prospects? Will I be labelled an INVALID by the scientific community? 

I want to be taken seriously in my field, but I also have such an intense urge to explore. My desire to travel feels like it can parallel the gravitational pull of the Sun to the Earth, the proton to an election, the attraction between the north magnetic pole to the south magnetic pole.

In a perfect world, I have the financial means to do both. Why not study abroad? Unfortunately, my pockets are not that flush.

Anyway, so here I am, on a Thursday night, sitting alone in front of a computer, browsing through aupair.com, and wondering how the next few years of my life will play out.

Song of the Day:  Basket Case- Green Day